My Baby Story
To learn how I first discovered that babies chose their parents- read this:(This is the whole story and it's kinda long so go get a cup of tea and enjoy the read)
I know the pain and anguish of miscarriage.
I know the silent suffering of waiting all month for your fertile period, trying to have intercourse at just the right time and then
being afraid to get up afterward for fear of losing any
life-giving seed.
I know the secret chant we say as we lie there hoping this time that little seed makes it, "Swim sperm, swim!"
I know the horrible waiting and anticipation those
two weeks after the fertility days, hoping against hope that your period won't come.
I know how it is that when you get close to the day
your period should start; your body starts to betray you.
Your breasts get real sore, "Hey, that's a sign of pregnancy isn't it?" Sometimes, you feel a bit sick at your stomach…another sign?
And the worst betrayal of all; your period is actually a
couple of days late!
Your hopes start to soar and you start sending out
birth announcements in your imagination.
Then just when you are about ready to celebrate, you go to the bathroom and see the red stain on your panties.
Of course, now the home pregnancy tests can be used much
earlier than they could when I was trying to conceive.
Perhaps now, you can find out one way or another much sooner.
I know what it is like to spend that whole first day
of your period in deep depression that no one else understands.
I know what it feels like to feel all alone with your pain and wishing you could just hide away for that day. I know how awful it feels
to tell your husband, " Honey, I started".
start to spring eternal. There's always next month! Right?
Then starts the whole emotional roller coaster ride all over again!
I know the dread of another birthday coming up and the
sound of my maternal clock ticking…..ticking as I get older
and older and less fertile with each passing second.
I know the well-meaning family members trying to make
conversation. "So, dear, when are we going to see a baby out of you"? I am sure they were probably just making conversation but
in my sensitive state, it sounded like they were the ones impatiently waiting.
I know the joy of finally getting pregnant only to have it end in a tragic miscarriage…twice!
I know the seething anger and hurt at the misguided attempts to comfort. I'm sure we have all heard these words, maybe even in our past ignorance, said them to someone. "Well, honey, it's probably for the best, you know, there was probably something wrong with it anyway".
I wanted to shout and scream and cry, " NO, I don't care if it wasn't perfect, it was my BABY and now it's gone and I'm hurting so bad I could die"!
I also know the hopelessness of just giving up and thinking, " I just can't do this, I'm too old and tired . I am so tired of trying and living my whole life around this; I just can't take it anymore!"
I also know the joy of finally conceiving, keeping it, and giving birth! I know the wonderment of holding that precious bundle in my arms and forgetting all the heartache that went before.
My intention in writing my story, is to spare you some of the anguish and help you come to the same glorious manifestation- a beautiful, new little soul to hold in your arms, to love and to nurture!
Here, then, is my story.
I was born second to the oldest in a family of eight children. My daddy was a Pentecostal preacher and we were dirt poor. My dad was from Alabama and my mom was from Tennessee. (If we have a session together, you may notice I still have some of the southern accent I was raised around)
My dad was not a pastor of a church. He was a traveling preacher, an evangelist and later on, a missionary. He had to rely on donations from the places he preached in order to feed us.
Although Momma had no trouble having babies, she had something wrong with her breasts and she could not breast feed. At one point, we were so low on money that there was no milk for the baby. More than once, Momma had to boil rice and feed the baby the "rice water".
I remember one time walking down to the nearby creek with her to look for leftover turnip greens. The farmers used to come to the creek near our house to wash their produce before taking it to market. There would always be a few scraggly pieces left and we would gratefully gather them up.
You might be wondering why someone that poor would just keep on having kids. Remember, this was way back before the pill. My mom was just extremely fertile! She has a child by every birth control method there was back then. She used to name them off for me when I got grown and married myself and it was finally considered proper to talk of such things.
She would have had more but she discovered the "separate bedroom, lock the door when I'm fertile method" after we got "wealthy" enough to afford a house with more than one bedroom. I can still hear my Dad tiptoeing up to her door and knocking. If it was a "bad" time, he would find the door locked. He would rattle the door, "Let me in, Cora Belle" he would say. Mom would just pretend she did not hear him. He might have been a preacher man but he sure had a lot of "natural instincts"!
Mom used to say to me with her adorable southern twang, "All ya daddy had to do was hang his britches on the bedpost and I would wind up pregnant".
As a child growing up, I never thought much about having children of my own someday. We were so many and it seemed like so much work to keep us all fed and clothed, I just could not think about putting myself through that.
The religion we grew up in was so very strict that it seemed everything we wanted to do was a sin, especially for girls!
On the list of things that were "not allowed" at least for me, were:
Makeup ( we were not supposed to look "worldly")
Dancing (might feel a little lust)
Movies ( ?, I never had a good explanation for that one)
Wearing shorts or pants ( might see the booty)
Playing any kind of card game (someone might think we were gambling)
Listening to any music that wasn't "Christian" (also considered "worldly")
It seemed to me, that everything I wanted to do was a sin!
The fear of condemnation was so ingrained in me that when I did sneak off and do any of those things, I felt so much anguish and guilt, I could not enjoy them. I remember the first time I ever played a card game, I kept thinking lightning might strike me any minute. I kept waiting for some wickedness to creep over me. Nothing happened…as a matter of fact, playing cards was a bit boring to me. I just could not figure out how in the world what I was doing could be any kind of sin.
I used to drive my parents crazy with my questions, "But momma, why is it a sin to dance, it looks like so much fun!" "Why was God so mean in the Old Testament, do you really think he was happy when the plague wiped out all the firstborn?" And when I was a little older, " Do you really think Jesus is not going to let me into Heaven because I am wearing lipstick?"
Needless to say, I got married at the young age of eighteen to the first guy I dated. I wanted to get out and experience the world a bit and marriage seemed the only way out. Within a year, I was accidentally pregnant with my son Andrew and shortly after that, with my daughter Heide. I just forgot to take that pill one little day and wham!
Wait a minute! Hold everything! I thought this was a story about a woman who had trouble getting pregnant!
Just hold on, I will get to that part… Patience, my friend, patience.
My first marriage lasted only four years, four years and two children. I had been raised so protected that I knew very little about real human relationships and how hard they can be.
I spent a year being single before I met my second husband. He had four children and two of them lived with us. Of course , I wanted us to have one of our own. We were very financially stable, so, why not? Getting pregnant was no problem and I even had a "natural childbirth" at home with dad helping out with the delivery.
Oh Boy, when are you ever going to get to the part where you struggled so hard? You sound like fertile Myrtle to me!
Well, there we were, two of his, two of mine and one of ours. That is a whole bunch of kids!
So…, I had my tubes tied-burnt-cauterized. I felt happy enough with my decision.
About five years into the marriage, things started to go sour. Before I knew it, I was divorced again with three kids to, a very bruised ego and a broken heart.
If I knew then what I know now, I would not have been so quick to jump and run. Back then, that was my motto, "If it gets too hard, run away". It took many hard lessons for me to learn that you cannot run away from life- life goes with you where ever you go.
Enter the white knight in shining armor!
As a single mother of three, I was really struggling to make ends meet. I worked for a radio station selling advertising. I met "Henry" the aforementioned knight at one of the places I went to sell advertising. His family owned a retail clothing store.
Henry took a shine to me, (as my momma would say) right away. He asked me out a few times and he was the most respectful guy I had ever been out with. Every time he came to my door, he had his arms full of groceries. I never let it slip how hard it was to feed three kids on my salary, he just seemed to know.
It was so hard for Henry's family to accept our marriage because they so much wanted the family name to be carried on. My husband's family is from the middle- east and it was just unthinkable that they would not see Grandchildren.
Yes, I know, you're probably thinking, "well why couldn't they just be happy with your children and accept them as their grandchildren"? They did accept my children and were very kind and wonderful to them, but still, there was a longing for grandchildren of their own blood.
You can't change generations of tradition overnight.
Even though Henry married me thinking we would never have children together, I "knew" differently. I knew that if there was a way, I would find it. Even on our honeymoon, I was calling specialists to see what kind of treatment, if any, was available to reconnect the fallopian tubes.
At the time of my inquiries, there were only a handful of doctors who did the procedure. The tubes are so very tiny, it requires microscopic surgery. Of course, this was back in the eighties. There have been more advances made since then.
Luckily, there was a doctor close to me who had trained with one of the pioneers of the procedure to reconnect the tubes- DR. Ruben Martinez in .
On our first visit, we felt very hopeful. Dr Martinez was not put off at all by the fact that I was over thirty- five. He said his mom was forty -two when she had him and she was still healthy and well. The DR explained the procedure to us. After some preliminary tests on both Henry and myself, he would first do a laparoscopey to determine if there was enough healthy tissue left to work with.
(Did I mention that my tubes had been cauterized?)
If he determined there was enough healthy tube, he would then make a very large incision and proceed with the re-connection. The burned ends would then be cut off and sewn together. Dr Martinez explained the dangers of tubule pregnancy because of the scarring.
The day of the surgery dawned bright and hopeful- I just knew in my heart that the surgery would be successful. Sure enough, the preliminary probe provided favorable results and he proceeded with the "big" surgery, the re-connection of the tubes.
The few days after the surgery were rough! The surgery is very time consuming and the incision is quite large as the tubes are on opposite sides of the body. I remember the morning after the surgery thinking, "As long as I live, I can never feel any worse than I do right now." And it was the truth! It has been fifteen years and I have never again felt that bad.
A week after the surgery, It was my time to be fertile. Of course we were not supposed to have intercourse- that would be crazy right? I remember that the anxiety about getting pregnant had already set in. It had taken awhile to get the surgery set up and I was foolishly putting pressure on myself. I talked my husband into having intercourse. There I was all raw and hurting but I didn't care. If there was any chance at all, I was ready to take it. Of course, I did not get pregnant that month. I am being very vividly honest here, perhaps too much so but I want you to know that I understand how desperate we can get.
You might think I should have been happy with the wonderful children I already had. I was happy with them and I had made a conscious decision not to have any more children when I had my tubes tied. The maternal instinct was "re-awakened" in me by the depth of my husbands sacrifice for me. Because he was willing to give up his dream of having a whole slew of kids for me- I wanted desperately to make his dream come true.
Within two months of the surgery, I was pregnant!
The time for my monthly cycle came and no period. We were thrilled and excited! After a "positive" home pregnancy test, we rushed straight to the doctor. There is such a risk of tubule pregnancy after this type of surgery that early care is a must. The first visit went just fine, they drew some blood to check the levels of hormones. I was to return at intervals to make sure the levels were going up in the proper proportions. We were so thrilled, we called and told everybody we knew!
A few days later, my dad was rushed to the hospital with a serious heart condition. I was with him in the ER when I felt this horrible sense of loss and dread come over me.
I felt like something inside me was dying. I went to the bathroom and then I saw the blood! The life- blood of my precious baby flowing out of me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. If you have had a miscarriage, you know that horrible, sinking feeling like your own life force is ebbing away with the blood of your baby.
Of course I went to my
It was such a complete, spontaneous abortion that I did not even need to be cleaned out.
I went home with such a sense of emptiness. All my hopes were dashed. I felt an unexplained sense of shame and failure along with a profound sense of grief and loss. It seemed that no one, not even my husband understood the depth of my loss. People tried to make me feel better. " Oh well, you can always have another" or the worst, "You know, miscarriage is God's way of not letting a defective baby into the world". It seemed to me that no one understood that I needed to grieve for this lost baby. I needed to cry for this baby.
I needed to honor the spirit of the baby I lost. It did not matter to me that I was not pregnant for a long time. I loved that baby from the minute I saw the home pregnancy test was positive.
I did grieve and cry, silently and in my own space.
Miscarriage is not something one gets over lightly. Of course, hope springs eternal and I was ready to try again within a month's time.
Once again, within two months time, I was pregnant again!
I was more cautious this time about telling everyone. Things seemed to be going OK but something about it just did not feel right.
I remember, it was close to Christmas and I needed to buy a few Christmas gifts for the other children. I was in the mall when that horrible sinking feeling hit me again.
I could feel that sense of something dying inside me again and I felt so helpless. I became so weak, I could hardly make it to my car and drive myself home. I called my husband to come and take me to the hospital hoping we might be able to save the baby. I knew in my heart it was too late. I went to the bathroom just before we left for the hospital. The blood was pouring out of me so badly that it actually splashed on the floor. I felt so sad as I saw the force of the bleeding as I thought to myself, "No baby could have held on against that torrent of blood".
The sonogram showed another, spontaneous, complete abortion.
I felt so much despair and grief!
Two miscarriages in such a short period of time is hard to bear. I was not even emotionally healed from the first one. How can a heart bear such sorrow? It seemed once again that no one understood the depth of my pain.
Was I being overly sensitive? I do not think so. Not only was I grieving for my two "lost babies", but I was feeling a curious sense of shame- like people were thinking- "What! You can't even hold onto a baby? What's wrong with you anyway?"
Then came the period of waiting and true agony.
Every month, I was so careful to time it just right to have intercourse -only to be devastated when my period showed up. Of course, it seems that when you are trying to get pregnant, your body is perverse. Even if you have never been late with your period in your life- you will be just a day or two late every month only to have your hopes dashed.
Looking back, I think my body probably felt sorry for my mind and it was trying to simulate pregnancy for me to make me feel better. I know I'm sounding a little crazy, but this situation can make you crazy!
You start to focus all your attention on every little aspect of your body sensations. At least all of those that even in some remote way might indicate pregnancy. Sore breasts are the #1 indicator of early pregnancy- at least for most people. You become acutely aware of every little tingle in your womb or stomach, you are looking desperately for any kind of a sign before enough time has passed to take the home pregnancy test. Speaking of which, I think they should sell them as a six -pack for a much cheaper price.
For many of those months of waiting and disappointment, my period would be a few days late. Those couple of days after my period was due, I would let my hopes soar. I would try so hard not too but I just couldn't seem to help myself. I would be " packing my bags" for the hospital and "picking out baby clothes" in my mind only to have my hopes dashed completely by the onset of my period.
Talk about torture! This is it!
We went through two years of this emotional roller coaster. I continued to be even more obsessed with getting pregnant. My whole life revolved around the obsession - I could think of nothing else.
We had spent so much money on the surgeries and no baby.
There were additional smaller surgeries. After any surgery, scar tissue begins to build up. Add a couple of miscarriages to that and you have a real problem.
You probably already know that scar tissue can be a huge hindrance to getting pregnant.
My clock was ticking faster and faster it seemed - now, I was getting really close to forty and I became overwhelmed with a sense of panic.
I felt that my husband and family were looking at me and thinking, "Well, we spent the money, where's the baby"? (You can get a little paranoid with the stress) My husband became very discouraged and started to really let it show.
He would lay in bed and night and say with a sigh, "I might as well face it- I'm never going to have a child of my own".
Oh my GOD! Talk about the pressure!
Somehow, his words sparked even more determination in me. I would rise up out of my own discouragement and tell him, "Oh yes we are, you just don't know how much faith I have, we will find a way."
After months and months of disappointment, I heard about this very unconventional mind- body healer. She was supposed to be able to help with any kind of problem. I was nervous and scared but I was desperate to try anything so I went to see her. I was still very steeped in a very conventional way of thinking and was afraid she might be way, way out in left field somewhere.
Her name was Robie. She made me feel comfortable right away. I somehow felt very confidant she could help me.
On the fist visit, she started talking about my aura. Back then, it was not as common a word as it is now.
Robie said mine looked pretty clear. She asked me what I wanted in life - A very different approach, I must say.
She gave me hope and a mental prescription to help me get what I wanted. I listened to her- she gave me homework to do. It wasn't hard- just some exercises to gently start to change my way of thinking. I went to see her several times and felt so much better about everything!
I did not tell my husband about this, I felt he would not be open to it. He is a very logical, left-brained kind of guy. Women have been doing what is necessary to bring children into the world for centuries. I did what I felt would help me accomplish my goal.
I followed Robie's advice and within a very short while, I was pregnant!
This time a healthy pregnancy with no complications at all. I delivered a healthy 8lb 12oz precious baby girl on
I was thirty-nine years old.
I will not go into all the tests I went through in my pregnancy. After thirty-five, it is quite a different story than when you are younger.
I will say that I had big red letters all over my chart saying HIGH_RISK.
I did use the same principals Robie had taught me to keep myself calm and centered though the whole pregnancy. I just knew that everything was going to be just fine.
I used these same principals (and one more surgery) to get pregnant with my son a couple of years later.
I would liked to have waited a bit longer between children but my eggs were getting older by the minute and I did not want to be at an even higher risk for Downs syndrome or other complications.
As a result of the powerful techniques that Robie shared with me, my eyes were open to the possibilities that the power of the mind-body connection could offer.
My spiritual awakening had begun and there was no going back!
I truly believe that everything that happens to us has a purpose. We might go through a hard time and learn something valuable to share. We will find people placed in our path who can benefit from our knowledge and experience. Just think of your life and I'm sure you can remember times when this was true.
As I mentioned earlier, my spiritual awakening had begun and was rapidly changing my life for the better. I wanted to learn more about spiritual and metaphysical principals. Please note, I am not talking about being religious. You can be religious to the highest degree and never let it sink into your heart.
In my quest for knowledge, I read a book that literally catapulted me into a much higher realm of being and thinking. The book was "Embraced by the Light" by Betty Eadie. It was on the best seller's list for months.
I cried the whole way through the book. I identified so much with everything the author said. The book tells a true story of one woman's near death experience. It was like nothing I had ever read before in my life. The words seemed to wake up a sleeping giant within me. The truth of the words pierced my heart with an arrow of love that awakened the healer in me.
My whole attitude about life shifted to a higher plane.
Because of the information and the love in the book I was able to overcome many of my fears. One of those fears was the fear of dying. For some reason, I had always been terrified of dying. I guess the old programming from my childhood was still in play. I just knew I would die and there would be some little, tiny, sin in my life and I would be barred from heaven. It might sound silly to you, but to me it was very real!
Since I was no longer afraid to die, I became excited about living more fully. I no longer focused just on my needs and the needs of my immediate family. I started to think in much broader terms.
I accelerated my studies in the mind/body connection - if this could help me realize my dreams of having a baby, what else could it do?
Teachers came into my life and even deeper learning situations presented them selves. Many wonderful growth opportunities came along and I eagerly embraced the learning process.
Over a short period of time, I began to realize that I had a world mission to help others.
My spiritual gifts unfolded and I was blessed with even more opportunities to learn. It has been several years now since I was first introduced to spiritual and metaphysical principles.
What began as a quest for a solution to my own personal problem turned into a whole new way of life.
I was asked by the angels to begin sharing the principles I had learned with other people. It has turned into a full-time job. My work brings me greatest joy! The sessions fly by so quickly it does not seem like work at all.
Nothing could be more rewarding than bringing hope and relief from pain to others.
PS>
What you may not realize, dearest hearts, is that your
If you feel you don't know where to begin in getting in touch with your babie's spirits...it may be time for me to start having telclasses on this and other topics.
Email me and let me know if that would be helpful to you.
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I'll give you the complete name of the book and how you can order it for yourself at the end of this message.
This info is according to recent findings at the WITZMAN Institute in Israel. It seems that spermatozoa climb toward the heat produced by the ovaries and they are attracted to this heat. The only job of the liquid semen is to protect the spermatozoa …this liquid semen itself might actually obstruct conceptions when introduced into the ovaries. This is the reason why he when going through artificial insemination the semen is being” washed.”
There is really no need to worry about standing up to quickly after intercourse as the heat from your ovaries will attract the actual sperm.
Now some of you ladies have been told that raising your feet up in the air will help the sperm travel faster but according to this book this is actually worse because the tubes might become obstructed or semen could travel to where it might not need to go when this happens.
Another thing I found interesting in this book is the best time for conception. The book states that the best timing would be in the morning and it really makes sense because at night most people are exhausted.
When you put the extra pressure of having to “do it” in order to try and get pregnant it can be very stressful. In the morning the most partners are fresh and rejuvenated from a good nights sleep. Also according to this book morning is when the Yang energy is expanding and the sperm and egg are in their very best shape. According to the book you should first get up and have something light to eat or drink and then tried to conceive … that sounds a little bit more relaxing doesn't it?
Also, it's important not to be constipated. If you remember in an earlier e-mail I talked to about the importance of having a clear bowel function a heavy loaded bowel or: can actually hang down and obscure at the free-flowing movement of the ovaries.
I think you'll find information in this book very helpful and perhaps different from some of the other information you've been reading. In the quest to have a baby it's always good to look at all your options.
Here is an EFT, emotional freedom technique exercise that might be beneficial to you when you feel like you're fertile. (You should have a basic understanding of EFT from previous exercises that I have sent you.)
I ask that all the organs of my body assist in this process.
I asked that my vagina be the exact right temperature and balance to further assist the sperm in the journey. I ask my eggs to be ripe ready and easy to find. I am so grateful to my body.
I would suggest that you do this emotional freedom technique exercise any time you are near your fertility cycle. Remember, emotional freedom technique can never hurt you; they will help you balance and be more relaxed.
Don't forget to "annoint" your abdomen with the 'Rose oil" I recommended.
*** For more information on this book, look up the I |
Soul ContractsThis is my understanding of soul contracts from the world of spirit. There is much more to it than this brief explanation here. There are whole books written on the subject. Have you ever met someone for the first time and instantly felt like you had known them forever? Before we came here, when we were in the spirit world we all made agreements to meet and help one another here on earth. Think back on your life at this point. You would not be exactly who you are if even one of those things had been different. You can look at everything in your life as a learning experience. Now, about this soul contract business, are you saying that even the people in my life that have given me a hard time are people I had an agreement with?
Let's talk about miscarriage, stillbirth and abortion. Many times, it will be the same spirit that you miscarried that finally makes it through. One little boy spirit told me he had been trying and trying to come to his mother and she would not let him. He said he would keep trying until he made it, I am very happy to report that he did! You can read his story by going here. So, this has been a brief explanation of what a soul contract is. |